How Can I Be 100% Unashamed?

My goal: 100% unashamed and 150% inspirational to myself and those around me. I’m still lying because I’m still scared. I’m afraid that every emotion I have will be attributed to my diagnosis and/or my trauma. I’m afraid that future opportunities will be blocked because people will judge me. They judge others with diagnosis and experiences like mine, right in front of my face. I usually then ask if they are a christian and then the heavens open up and all silence breaks loose. We all sometimes need compassion reminders, including me. Ok, I’m judging and should move on. 😉

Most people just aren’t worthy of knowing me that intimately. Judgmental on my part, I suppose, but I think you need to earn that right. I have told my husband absolutely everything, but only because he earned that and more. He worked hard to understand my fears and my emotions and he read and studied  every diagnosis and it took 2 long years for him to see me and love me for who I am as opposed to who I allowed him to see. I don’t know that I could go through what he has gone through with me.

Over and over again I tested him and probably emotionally tortured the man. (I admit it). He stood strong and instead of getting angry when I provoked him, he would look me in the eyes and with the most compassion I could ever feel, say “how can I help you not feel this way? What can I do?” I was always left speechless and at the very same time he would be heading my way to wrap his arms around me. How can you fight with someone who sees your pain and loves you through every ounce of anger they are supposed to have? I threw my most powerful, push him away so that I don’t have to be vulnerable, super power his way! No man has ever endured that super power.

He showed me and continues to show me that he loves me unconditionally. The beauty in it all was how much he taught me. He taught me to feel love, to feel compassion, to comfort and most of all, how safe and healing it can be to be vulnerable with someone who will not use it against you or hurt you. But the world isn’t like my husband.

So, I beg the question, is it necessary to tell your family and others that you have X and experienced X in order to be 100% unashamed? I guess it would, in order to be 150% inspirational, right? How do you tell others who won’t necessarily understand, be compassionate, and nonjudgmental? I’m honestly asking….