About

In my youth I was a child of domestic violence, molested and subject to incredibly inappropriate situations by my step-father. In an effort to run away from that circumstance I ended up in an even worse situation; being held captive and repeatedly raped by an uncle for 2 eternally painful weeks. At some point I looked up my natural father hoping to find that not everything around me was full of pain. I don’t know what my father saw in me but it wasn’t his daughter. My father ended up raping me and committed suicide some years later. I resorted to substance abuse to kill that pain and ended up being listed as 1 of 100 worst cases of domestic violence abuse in a county with a population of over 600,000 people. Being seriously assualted in a major mens prison riot while on the job was just another bullet point on a long list.

I spent the better part of my 20’s burning through friendships and relationships, drowning my pain in red wine and hiding it all from the world. After years of struggling in my own head and blaming others for my circumstances in life, I sought help. Finding the help I sought was more than a battle. After it all played out, I learned that I had been living with undiagnosed Bi-polar I Disorder w/psychosis. That was the easy part; because I had gone untreated for so long, I had horrible experiences that damaged my brain and my heart in such traumatic ways that I survive with Disassociation & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (“PTSD”) in a way I never believed existed. This all leads to Generalized Anxiety Disorder (“GAD”) complicated by panic. Last but not least the Agoraphobia from sheer shame and confusion I suppose.

The looming cloud of mental illness stigma is only growing stronger with every use of the phrase. We need identity revolutions, to change the way mental illness is percieved. Maybe I’m in denial but I am not ill, I am learning to be the best person I can be with additional information which helps me do that. I can’t change reality, but I can change how I percieve it. In my experience, those of us labeled with the term mentally ill:

• Have purposeful insight.
• Know how to live with pain and struggles that not many others can even begin to understand. There is great strength in that!
• We have the unique opportunity to focus on building our identity outside of our diagnosis, our job, our car, our name, etc.
• We possess some of the greatest minds on earth. Need an example? Click Here

I am a survivor, not a victim and it’s only a stigma if you give it merit. If judgement is all they have, then they can focus on that while I strengthen my mind and spirit through purposeful insight.
I don’t always have the answers but I would like to share the little things I have learned and am learning that have helped me survive and thrive on this journey. I am also hoping that you may share some valuable things that have helped you with the things I am still trying to navigate. 🙂